Foot-in-the-mouth-itis

Hello readers,

I suffer from a medical condition called Foot-in-the-mouth-itis. While this condition is not contagious, it is however horribly painful to go through. There are no known cures for this disease other than keeping your mouth shut. Allow me to give you a couple of examples of how I have had Foot-in-the-mouth-itis flare ups.

*I have changed the name of the girl in this story to protect the innocent.

About a year or two ago, I was attending holiday party when I was visiting Fayetteville, Arkansas. As the evening wore on I was speaking to a couple people and it was found out that I live in NYC. They said you need to meet Georgia*, she just moved there not to long ago. So I was introduced, Georgia was a cute girl, not super thin, but not fat either. She had curves. I like curves on a girl, not the women only gym though. We exchanged contact information agreed that we should hang out when we both were back in the city. Fast forward a month or so, we set a night to hang out. The plan was to meet at her place, then go out to dinner then stop by a couple bars. I would like to take this moment to state that I wasn't looking to date her, not that I was against that idea. I show up at her place with a bottle of red wine (classy move). We are drinking wine with her roommate while they both are finishing getting ready to go out. We were having the usual new friend conversation, where you are from, what you do for work, what you love about the city, etc. At some point Georgia made a joke that she does something stupid. I appologize that I don't remember what Georgia said, after reading the rest you'll understand why I forgot. Here is what happened next.

Georgia: Oh I am just stupid when it comes to _________.
Me: That's probably because you smoke so much crack.
Georgia : Oh I would probably be a lot thinner if I smoked crack.
Me: OOOOH! You must be smoking the fat crack.

As I made the "K" sound on the word crack, I knew I had made a mistake. I decided I needed to fix it, but I was set on the joke and I didn't want to let it go.

At this point Georgia shoots me a slightly angry, slightly confused look.

Me: OH! What I meant to say was: You must be smoking the high calorie crack.

Believe it or not, this didn't help. It actually made it worse.

At this point Georgia has an AK47 of daggers shooting out of her eyes. Somewhere along the way, I have learned in life that the easiest way out of a bad situation is just to own up to it. So I attempted that

Me: I believe that I just accidentally called you fat, twice. (read: now 3 times)
Georgia: Ya, you did.

Long story short, the rest of the evening, she was VERY rude to me. (Understandably so). I tried to appologize the next day, but the damage was done. I haven't spoken to this girl since that night.

I feel that this is a lesson that should be taught to children in schools across the country. Don't be that guy.

You'd think that I would have learned my lesson. You'd be wrong.

My most recent foot-in-the-mouth-itis flare up.

On Facebook on the right hand side of the site they post "People you might know" based on the fact that you have X number of mutual friends. Yesterday I see that they are suggsting that I become friends with Amy Schumer. It said you have 10 mutual friends with her. I click on her name and look at the mutual friends we share and they are mostly performers (actors, magicians, comics, etc). I figure that she must be a performer herself. I look at her pics and I am trying to place how I know her. She looks VERY familiar to me. Then it dawns on me; she was on Last Comic Standing. I liked her sets and thought that she was REALLY funny. I tried to add her as a friend on FB, and it says "Cannot accept friend request, because Amy has 5,000 friends and isn't able to accept any new ones" I thought, ok that's cool. She was on a national TV show. Later that night, I was hanging out with a new friend and we went to see a show at the UCB Theatre b/c it's cheap and fun. As I walk in, I look and there is Amy Schumer headed on her way out. I thought, "WHAT A COINSIDENCE!" and decide that I am going to introduce myself. Here's how this converstation went. You tell me if you can figure out where I put my foot in my mouth.

Me: Hi, you're Amy Schumer, yes?
Amy Schumer: Hi. Yes I am.
Me: This is such a coinsidence. Earlier today I was on Facebook and it recommended that you and I should be Facebook friends b/c we have 10 mutual friends. How do you know __________, ___________ and ____________? (Again, I am not using the names to protect the inncoent)
AS: Not to be a b*tch, but I have over 5,000 friends on Facebook and I don't know them all.
Me: Right, because of Last Comic Standing. I thought you were really good. I just thought this is a huge coinsidence.
AS: Look, I have to get going.
Me: Ya, I understand. You aren't being a b*tch because you are busy and have to run. (read: you're being a b*tch)
AS: PSH... Whatever.

At this point Amy turns and leaves. DANG IT FOOT-IN-THE-MOUTH-ITIS!!! You strike again!!

These are only two examples.

So kids please let this be a lesson to you.
Don't be a Christoher, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!